I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
