You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
