Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
