so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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