how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
