last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
