Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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