i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
