Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
then he tried to convert me to islam
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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