i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
my liver is dry heaving
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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