Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize