I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
