then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
