My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He better not be in your backpack
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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