its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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