hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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