I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i think i just lost a toe
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
