If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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