I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
