You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
