She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Randomize
