Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
