Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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