I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
