Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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