What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
