She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
