if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I love having hate sex.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
