Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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