The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
