She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
