theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
