so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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