You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
