Your dad touched me again.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
