I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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