I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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