Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
