Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
