So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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