whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize