im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
