Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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