mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
