I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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