There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
