Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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