just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
