Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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