she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
