dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize