She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
