Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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