Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
