I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
