We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
