she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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