I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
