I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize