Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
