when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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