I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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